off the hook

It's perhaps not always wise to say it as it is because it could piss people off. But, I'm wondering if the whole liberation thing has happened? There is a release. that's the best word that I can find to describe the simple off the hook feeling. Instead of tight -it's free. Instead of bound, it's loose. Instead of closed it's open. It's just off the hook. Simply a release and the whole of life carries on the same but it's so subtley different. Nothing seems to be that dramatic, awful, terrible, impossible, un-do-able and it all feels creative. Every second, movement, happening feels vital and alive. As it is mentioned in Francis Lucilles' The Perfume of Silence, it is as if we are the sharpened tip of a pencil creating each moment fresh from nothing-out of nothing comes something and it can or could be absolutely anything at anytime. It hasn't been written until it appears and when it appears it's absolutely as it's meant to be because that is what's happening and though it may seem to be uncomfortable, difficult, discordant at times, it's in perfect balance.

Letting go of it all to do it's thing in great harmony is exciting, liberating, a complete and total relief...

Ruperts Retreat

Last weekend was spent at Rupert Spira and Ellens home in Shropshire. Very lovely place-very lovely people. I always think that Rupert sparkles-his eyes shine and he seems to take great delight in communication. I love his London meetings, his absolute clear style of exploring and explaining, the nature of consciousness- his encouragement to enquire ever further, deeper, relentlessly. His way is satisfying and poetic and totally resonates.

The weekend was thorough, delving, stirring and shifting and friendships-well one in particular- were tested and forged stronger than before. This was a weekend of enquiry into non duality, the nature of consciousness which at times, expanded into literally trembling vastness and then settled to a more subtle all over love. Emotions wafted around, passed through, sometimes lost at sea but knowing that then settles to become buoyant love.

There is courage needed to allow this to happen, to go further, deeper. It seems the courage is there. Walking home down the street where I live on sunday night after an eventful journey home, there was only movement in the bigness and I felt panic rising. Sometimes it's seems so much to take and I momentarily wonder what on earth I've got myself into here. Why, I even bothered. Wouldn't life have been OK just carrying on as it was-was it so bad?

Of course, I know the answer, just at that those times, I long for the comfort of familiarity, all that I know and have always known, myself -or what i believed to be myself. It is a dichotomy. I brought this on, I know I did. It was literally a surrender, a readiness that said bring it on! I didn't know how it was going to be so there were no expectations, just a willingness to let go.

Sometimes, it's a struggle, the lost feeling is way more scary than anything else I've known-like being in the wilderness but it's just the outer layer which is making itself known-just what's niggling, maybe doubting. It's OK. It's a small price to pay. Lost and then found-and found is totally, completely IT.

NOTICED

This morning there were phonecalls from Customs & Excise and then Lloyds bank fraud department. What may have been alarming appeared not so. In fact, it seemed amusing and not real. The woman from C&E spoke very fast and informed me that they were missing accounts from 06/07 and 07/08. They were late, I could be fined, court orders, daily interest-didn't let me speak. I let her, listened and saw how easy it could be to be threatened and intimidated, flustered, worried and angered. There was none of this. The call was taken without any kind of emotional stirring and what I can only describe as no personal attachment-therefore there was no-one to be threatened.

Lloyds bank were being over cautious with debit card transactions, checking that they were mine. They were. Again, there was a feeling of the conversation not being real-like it was an improvisation-a made up piece of theatre that seemed believable but really wasn't real.

There is a danger of not taking things seriously because sometimes they seem ludicrous, just so silly and preposterous. Can I be too laid back-too unbothered or too laissez faire? It's not that things don't matter because some things do, it's just there is much less drama surrounding everything. It's seen differently.

Is it because the person who was at the centre of it all-me-Lesley -seems not be there, leading the show, making it happen, keeping it together? Instead, it all happens anyway and it's allowed to and it's observed, enjoyed and seen to be alright whatever it is because all things are going to arise in any manner. They just are-and seeing that-knowing that, allowing that and recognising it is a warm relief.

HOMEGIRL

I'm loving being at home. Being, being the operative word. It rained all day and the wind blew. Being inside, cosy, watching it, drinking tea, cleaning the kitchen, arranging things, with my little boy all day, in the house! It was blissful. Nothing was needed -apart from food. Louie said, 'let's go shopping tomorrow, mummy.' So, there was no food bought and it was Ok because there was enough to make a sort of picnic tea which he loves. And there was fruit with chocolate dip.

The point is the day seemed very, very long and then it was 8.40 pm and Louie was till up and i had no idea how it came to be that time. There was an enjoyment and appreciation of it all, just a love of it all, an ease of being which is joyous. Ordinarily, i feel that I would have been frustrated by this day, achieving little and staying indoors. But it's the being that seems important-just fully being-seeing, recognising. It was a full day, fully seen, enjoyed, loved, appreciated, savoured, sat in.

It's the simplicity of nothing happening but everything there-right there. Nothing and absolutely everything.

And this is still a wonder to me. I realised that phonecalls were made, deep cleaning was done! emails were sent and piles of paperwork was filed and sorted. It all happened, flowed from here. There is a cruising quality to life. A flowing, cruising quality. I'm told that there's no going back.

TODAY

Of all the things that could be done today, this blog is what happened! I wanted to have somewhere to record the simple things-and some less simple things-that are noticed continually.

The recurring thing that cannot be overlooked is the understanding that it is this present presence that is primary. It is all. It is what is happening. It is all that is happening and it can't be ignored. It makes it tricky to make concrete plans-think too far ahead, recall back, in detail and be too concerned by what could/might/should/almost/didn't happen. I am engrossed in the bigness of now, with all the minute detail and am struck by things that would normally pass me by while lost in thought about something past or future. It presents some practical problems but at the same time, everything that needs to get done, somehow seems to happen without too much bother. Or maybe that's just how it seems-which is good enough.