it's all about LOVE

I realised clearly last night that one can never know another completely and really it's not necessary. We want to in order to elevate our status and standing with another, our importance to another- but there is no need.
The closest person to me, my son, who i carried in this body and held as he took his first breath and fed on milk from this body and nurture carefully, daily is still operating independently from me. He's not really 'mine'-no one is ever anybody's. The love between us is perhaps the strongest, most intensely felt-constantly flowing in both directions but there is so much about him i'll never know and don't need to know.
All in need to do is love him and that just happens, it's just there. In that love i'll see him, watch, sense, feel and enjoy the essence of him, know his nature-let our true nature communicate and dance freely. I say,'my boy' because he looks like me, he has my genes, he is of this body but I don't own him, there is no ownership. This I understand clearly. I am a parent, a mother and I see what that means.

He had a whole world going on last night in his room, when he was meant to be asleep, that was nothing to do with me. He changed his bed clothes to another set of clothes, changed his bedtime story on his CD player to something else, emptied his wardrobe, ransacked his room and set up little displays of toys. He didn't want to sleep, he was on a mission that only he could understand and I let him do it.

As I changed his clothes back and removed his crocs and put him back into bed at 10.45 when he had exhausted himself, I saw that all I can ever do completely is love him.

Waking Up to Oneness and Celebrating Separateness

Yeah! Love him! The point of existence is clear -living, breathing life as art-art as life

i like i love

I like unmani. She's no nonsense-direct,down to it-with humour and care. She's right, it can be lonely, it is nakedness, vulnerability, it requires courage, wilingness to stand in this, time and time again. The thoughts may keep coming, patterns of thought, groups of thought but they have less and less power, become more and more distant and they are meaningless-like puffs of smoke from a cigarette. I see the thoughts, watch them,but this is stronger, what this is, what i am is prevalent, primary, the thoughts come and go within.

One man today at Unmani's Meeting in Not Knowing said he still wanted to hide and protect himself. I feel the opposite. I want to stand in the face of it and take whatever comes to get to naked truth. I like being hit hard by truth-it can be shattering, I want it to be shattering, going deeper and deeper into this. Now i know, i want to know more, i want be immersed in it completely. There's nothing to lose-no-one to lose it.

I like not knowing. I really like it-the pressure of having to know, feeling like you know or should know creates big problems-it is the problem. And the more people pretend to know, act like they know the more ludicous and removed they become-the more separated they are. This is a glorious, massive mystery. As a little person, it's impossible to compete with it, to hope to know and understand and conquer it. That creates misery.

I love the mystery. I'm in love with the mystery-i am the mystery along with all else...

STRIKE

standing in the face of truth, however harsh it may be, I die somemore and it feels good.
there is nothing to hide from, nothing that needs protecting, -blow apart any remaining notion or hanging on of an identity or attachment to any part of the story. The things that keep dragging me back-look at them, face them, see them, meet them, then they fall away, dissolve into nothing, made of nothing. They have no substance.

this.here.right here.right now...there's only this

Bill Hicks: What is the point to Life

underneath it all

am I just really, really tired or...some days are odd like I'm not at all connected-not in it at all-it's happening, I speak, I interract but the connection's not there. Gary called, i missed it, he left a sarcastic text-a reaction came like hot water scalding my insides and a feeling of me and him descended-not a nice feeling-irritated, uncomfortable. It passes.

sporadically the effort of going along with it, getting mixed in with all the other stories co-existing, becomes a bit of a chore. Some days it's enjoyable, really easy and flowing, fascinating and endlessly interesting but others i want to be still and quite, just noticing, reading, listening or contemplating.

always i love louie-sweet, gentle love as soft as his skin, as fragrant as him-even when I'm frustrated with his mad energy bursting all over the place-i love that boy. it is all reflected in him, in his image and presence -in an unadulturated form-that's why it's so whoozy-it's like mainlining LOVE..pure

the stage is set

Sometimes, places are appearing as real as a film or stage set and the action that takes place has the significance and quality of an improvised play. As it's happening, you need to buy into it to make it work, do it with conviction and truth but it feels like nothing more than playacting. There are times, when I have, during an audition thought, this is ridiculous; don't believe it, I don't believe me or what I'm doing or saying and now there is a similar thing happening in life. The roles that people play have become very obvious.

Recently, as I entered the room for an appeal hearing for Louie's primary school place, I was struck by the heightened situation set up. The three people on the panel all stood up as I entered! The chap supposedly arguing the case against allowing Louie into the school of his choice, read solely from his notes, uncomfortably, seldom looking up. The clerk was a youngish, pleasant woman, there to tell me how it would progress, what would happen at each stage. I felt partly amused by the goings on, even though it concerned my son. It felt silly but still, doesn't the game has to be played if we are to participate in life?

The people on the panel all introduced themselves and told me their credentials for being there;children of their own, in education, on board of school governors. One man was a 'lay person.' They listened to the admissions authority case and then to mine. We asked each other questions. I spoke with absolute clarity and ease in a situation that would otherwise have created too much emotion stopping me from being effective. I knew only what was happening at any given moment. I was unable to refer to notes because I could only be concerned with that which was happening. I felt compassion for the admissions guy and also for those on the panel. They couldn't help and they knew that they couldn't. It was a farcical situation beacuse an Infant School decision can only be overturned if a mistake has been made in allocating the places and it hadn't. Or, if a decision is deemed to be unreasonable or perverse and the whole thing is set up so that's impossible to prove.

Still, there was a point where the role playing took a back seat and we did communicate. There was warmth and a meeting and an understanding that we are the same. It was momentary but it was there. I just did what I had to do, to the best of my ability-I suppose they did too. We were all playing the game, in a way, all playing our designated roles.

Explaining of the hook: The release of the contraction, the tension that comes with being a separate individual. It's gone, just evaporated into the ether. I always had me with me, my story, my history, my burdens, my limitations and beliefs and insecurities. I don't think about it now, carrying all that lesley stuff around-that's off the hook. I sometimes think, where is it, where is that sense of her that I always had pinning me down-I find it if i look, remember, but really I have to make the effort to reconstruct it. Of course there is a shadow, a taste, the funny character but that contracted idea of Lesley, set, formed and limited...just gone, I think.

off the hook

It's perhaps not always wise to say it as it is because it could piss people off. But, I'm wondering if the whole liberation thing has happened? There is a release. that's the best word that I can find to describe the simple off the hook feeling. Instead of tight -it's free. Instead of bound, it's loose. Instead of closed it's open. It's just off the hook. Simply a release and the whole of life carries on the same but it's so subtley different. Nothing seems to be that dramatic, awful, terrible, impossible, un-do-able and it all feels creative. Every second, movement, happening feels vital and alive. As it is mentioned in Francis Lucilles' The Perfume of Silence, it is as if we are the sharpened tip of a pencil creating each moment fresh from nothing-out of nothing comes something and it can or could be absolutely anything at anytime. It hasn't been written until it appears and when it appears it's absolutely as it's meant to be because that is what's happening and though it may seem to be uncomfortable, difficult, discordant at times, it's in perfect balance.

Letting go of it all to do it's thing in great harmony is exciting, liberating, a complete and total relief...

Ruperts Retreat

Last weekend was spent at Rupert Spira and Ellens home in Shropshire. Very lovely place-very lovely people. I always think that Rupert sparkles-his eyes shine and he seems to take great delight in communication. I love his London meetings, his absolute clear style of exploring and explaining, the nature of consciousness- his encouragement to enquire ever further, deeper, relentlessly. His way is satisfying and poetic and totally resonates.

The weekend was thorough, delving, stirring and shifting and friendships-well one in particular- were tested and forged stronger than before. This was a weekend of enquiry into non duality, the nature of consciousness which at times, expanded into literally trembling vastness and then settled to a more subtle all over love. Emotions wafted around, passed through, sometimes lost at sea but knowing that then settles to become buoyant love.

There is courage needed to allow this to happen, to go further, deeper. It seems the courage is there. Walking home down the street where I live on sunday night after an eventful journey home, there was only movement in the bigness and I felt panic rising. Sometimes it's seems so much to take and I momentarily wonder what on earth I've got myself into here. Why, I even bothered. Wouldn't life have been OK just carrying on as it was-was it so bad?

Of course, I know the answer, just at that those times, I long for the comfort of familiarity, all that I know and have always known, myself -or what i believed to be myself. It is a dichotomy. I brought this on, I know I did. It was literally a surrender, a readiness that said bring it on! I didn't know how it was going to be so there were no expectations, just a willingness to let go.

Sometimes, it's a struggle, the lost feeling is way more scary than anything else I've known-like being in the wilderness but it's just the outer layer which is making itself known-just what's niggling, maybe doubting. It's OK. It's a small price to pay. Lost and then found-and found is totally, completely IT.

NOTICED

This morning there were phonecalls from Customs & Excise and then Lloyds bank fraud department. What may have been alarming appeared not so. In fact, it seemed amusing and not real. The woman from C&E spoke very fast and informed me that they were missing accounts from 06/07 and 07/08. They were late, I could be fined, court orders, daily interest-didn't let me speak. I let her, listened and saw how easy it could be to be threatened and intimidated, flustered, worried and angered. There was none of this. The call was taken without any kind of emotional stirring and what I can only describe as no personal attachment-therefore there was no-one to be threatened.

Lloyds bank were being over cautious with debit card transactions, checking that they were mine. They were. Again, there was a feeling of the conversation not being real-like it was an improvisation-a made up piece of theatre that seemed believable but really wasn't real.

There is a danger of not taking things seriously because sometimes they seem ludicrous, just so silly and preposterous. Can I be too laid back-too unbothered or too laissez faire? It's not that things don't matter because some things do, it's just there is much less drama surrounding everything. It's seen differently.

Is it because the person who was at the centre of it all-me-Lesley -seems not be there, leading the show, making it happen, keeping it together? Instead, it all happens anyway and it's allowed to and it's observed, enjoyed and seen to be alright whatever it is because all things are going to arise in any manner. They just are-and seeing that-knowing that, allowing that and recognising it is a warm relief.

HOMEGIRL

I'm loving being at home. Being, being the operative word. It rained all day and the wind blew. Being inside, cosy, watching it, drinking tea, cleaning the kitchen, arranging things, with my little boy all day, in the house! It was blissful. Nothing was needed -apart from food. Louie said, 'let's go shopping tomorrow, mummy.' So, there was no food bought and it was Ok because there was enough to make a sort of picnic tea which he loves. And there was fruit with chocolate dip.

The point is the day seemed very, very long and then it was 8.40 pm and Louie was till up and i had no idea how it came to be that time. There was an enjoyment and appreciation of it all, just a love of it all, an ease of being which is joyous. Ordinarily, i feel that I would have been frustrated by this day, achieving little and staying indoors. But it's the being that seems important-just fully being-seeing, recognising. It was a full day, fully seen, enjoyed, loved, appreciated, savoured, sat in.

It's the simplicity of nothing happening but everything there-right there. Nothing and absolutely everything.

And this is still a wonder to me. I realised that phonecalls were made, deep cleaning was done! emails were sent and piles of paperwork was filed and sorted. It all happened, flowed from here. There is a cruising quality to life. A flowing, cruising quality. I'm told that there's no going back.

TODAY

Of all the things that could be done today, this blog is what happened! I wanted to have somewhere to record the simple things-and some less simple things-that are noticed continually.

The recurring thing that cannot be overlooked is the understanding that it is this present presence that is primary. It is all. It is what is happening. It is all that is happening and it can't be ignored. It makes it tricky to make concrete plans-think too far ahead, recall back, in detail and be too concerned by what could/might/should/almost/didn't happen. I am engrossed in the bigness of now, with all the minute detail and am struck by things that would normally pass me by while lost in thought about something past or future. It presents some practical problems but at the same time, everything that needs to get done, somehow seems to happen without too much bother. Or maybe that's just how it seems-which is good enough.