NOTICED

This morning there were phonecalls from Customs & Excise and then Lloyds bank fraud department. What may have been alarming appeared not so. In fact, it seemed amusing and not real. The woman from C&E spoke very fast and informed me that they were missing accounts from 06/07 and 07/08. They were late, I could be fined, court orders, daily interest-didn't let me speak. I let her, listened and saw how easy it could be to be threatened and intimidated, flustered, worried and angered. There was none of this. The call was taken without any kind of emotional stirring and what I can only describe as no personal attachment-therefore there was no-one to be threatened.

Lloyds bank were being over cautious with debit card transactions, checking that they were mine. They were. Again, there was a feeling of the conversation not being real-like it was an improvisation-a made up piece of theatre that seemed believable but really wasn't real.

There is a danger of not taking things seriously because sometimes they seem ludicrous, just so silly and preposterous. Can I be too laid back-too unbothered or too laissez faire? It's not that things don't matter because some things do, it's just there is much less drama surrounding everything. It's seen differently.

Is it because the person who was at the centre of it all-me-Lesley -seems not be there, leading the show, making it happen, keeping it together? Instead, it all happens anyway and it's allowed to and it's observed, enjoyed and seen to be alright whatever it is because all things are going to arise in any manner. They just are-and seeing that-knowing that, allowing that and recognising it is a warm relief.

HOMEGIRL

I'm loving being at home. Being, being the operative word. It rained all day and the wind blew. Being inside, cosy, watching it, drinking tea, cleaning the kitchen, arranging things, with my little boy all day, in the house! It was blissful. Nothing was needed -apart from food. Louie said, 'let's go shopping tomorrow, mummy.' So, there was no food bought and it was Ok because there was enough to make a sort of picnic tea which he loves. And there was fruit with chocolate dip.

The point is the day seemed very, very long and then it was 8.40 pm and Louie was till up and i had no idea how it came to be that time. There was an enjoyment and appreciation of it all, just a love of it all, an ease of being which is joyous. Ordinarily, i feel that I would have been frustrated by this day, achieving little and staying indoors. But it's the being that seems important-just fully being-seeing, recognising. It was a full day, fully seen, enjoyed, loved, appreciated, savoured, sat in.

It's the simplicity of nothing happening but everything there-right there. Nothing and absolutely everything.

And this is still a wonder to me. I realised that phonecalls were made, deep cleaning was done! emails were sent and piles of paperwork was filed and sorted. It all happened, flowed from here. There is a cruising quality to life. A flowing, cruising quality. I'm told that there's no going back.

TODAY

Of all the things that could be done today, this blog is what happened! I wanted to have somewhere to record the simple things-and some less simple things-that are noticed continually.

The recurring thing that cannot be overlooked is the understanding that it is this present presence that is primary. It is all. It is what is happening. It is all that is happening and it can't be ignored. It makes it tricky to make concrete plans-think too far ahead, recall back, in detail and be too concerned by what could/might/should/almost/didn't happen. I am engrossed in the bigness of now, with all the minute detail and am struck by things that would normally pass me by while lost in thought about something past or future. It presents some practical problems but at the same time, everything that needs to get done, somehow seems to happen without too much bother. Or maybe that's just how it seems-which is good enough.