the guilt has gone-evaporated. the experience of the past week showed me that there is no reason to have guilt. I did what i knew to be the best thing for all of us. there was a lot of pain-it caused a lot of pain but that pain isn't as it was a couple of years ago-there may still be some pain but it's not all associated with our splitting up as a family.
Gary told me how i was. and there is truth in that. but it is how i was-not how or who I am. Now it is seen, acknowledged, allowed, i think the pattern of behaviour will be weak, no more powerful or long lasting as an echo. For sure, i admire people, their qualities, their talents-i love them and let them know that and the time spent with others will have an intensity but no longer will i translate or interpret that as anything more than it is. Thank you gary-for pointing that out. It's very clear. there is no need to do that anymore. It is not who i am. I do express the feelings that i have towards others , i enjoy to do that-i feel that i want to share that-i suppose i have such enthusiasm when i come across, certain traits, talents, expressions of life and understanding-i love to love that in others and in things . I can't help but fall for it-and why should i not fall for it? that is personality -this personality.
Wednesday 26 January 2011
Monday 24 January 2011
Our lives-in a week
How do I write this-put it into words? I've questioned the reason, the point of spending a week, with Gary my estranged husband, in our flat. Of course, on the surface, practically speaking, factually speaking, he came to visit louie, our six year old son who he'd not seen for three months or more-so he needed to see him and louie needed to spend time with his dad.
He could have stayed in a hotel-he didn't have to stay with us, in the home he used to live in until i wanted our marriage to end and for him to move out. But louie wanted his dad here and I didn't feel a need to object or stop that happening even though there was a certain amount of trepidation about what may arise what may come to pass in that week. So, i thought there is something in itself-I sort of don't want to do this so therefore it's a reason to do it.
There was a feeling that there was more of a point to this-a learning, a realisation , a need to revisit or face this man who had represented so much . I had deep seated guilt at spiltting up the family, as well as feeling unsure about how Gary may feel being in his old home with a lot of his old stuff around him, in a conventional family situation, albeit temporary-where it no longer really exists. A bit like a pop up shop-there today, gone tomorrow but with so much occuring in between. And how would it affect me? Who knows what's lurking there? Who knows what may appear? And louie-how may it affect him, would be feel happy being around both of us and how would he be when the time came for his Daddy to leave again when he'd been so looking forward to him coming? There was no feeling of is this right or wrong-I know it's neither-it's just what was going to happen and letting it. No control. Freefall and see where and how you land.
Well i've landed on my feet, quite softly-at times though, floating down and at others tumbling very quickly. I see, i think, what this was about. Though, perhaps as there is more distance -more dust will settle and it will be even clearer. It wasn't easy. It wasn't awful. It's difficult to listen to someone telling you how you are when you know it's not how you are. It's someone's idea of you-their own perception firmly held onto. At times I felt the need to explain myself, defend myself even or at least respond but I realised I wasn't being heard. It's still frustrating when someone refuses to hear you. i think that gary perhaps described someone that I was , how i used to be, what I thought I wanted, what I went after-certainly i recognised some of it. Someone who falls for people and puts them on a pedestal. Someone who feels for people and wants to be the one to ease their pain while at the same time being the important and indespensable one in that persons life. Yes, that would be true. It's no longer the case. And though old patterns die hard, they do eventually die. They have died and perhaps there are echoes and rumblings occasionally , burning intensely until fading into the nothing again. We know it takes time for the old machinery to cease whurring completely.
And so, as he vented his rage at being taunted in a bar about who i may have been with and told me that i was childishly looking for the one and that I am both selfish and patronising and not looking after myself emotionally and how badly i behaved during some of long our time together and and never loved him when we married and had our son, I felt waves of annoyance, amusement, sickness, disbelief, intolerance, frustration, impatience and then just listened and watched as it went on as it always had. And still I care for this man, I find him unusual and like no-one I've ever known. I do question his sanity sometimes because his ability to listen and make consistent eye contact and his ever changing moods swinging from soft to viscious, warm then cold, tender then mean are so fast firing that it can leave you reeling and confused. And i married him! I was wondering how I remained so long in such a mad world with him.
When he asked me why , my reason why we had to split up-I replied that he was consumed with all that was wrong in the world and I was in love with all that it is. And that's it really. And i fall more and more in love with it and there is no need to find the one-this is the one and I'm open to all that comes with that, I'm part of it. And if someone, one day appears to share this with, then perhaps i'll do that but there is no search on to find and be with anyone to the exclusion of all others and all things.
It's like this week was a junction or an intersection where the past, and the present stood together at one point, a bit like the cross. It was turbulent, emotive, difficult and yet not, necessary and part of everything. Like revisiting the past in the now and as we did, past lines, patterns, feelings, thoughts all appeared. There is love between us and we share louie. Beautiful, beautiful louie. Gary is an agitated person who tells me that i'm missing the point somewhere along the line. I asked him what he thought the point was. He tells me that I'm a jelly head and I replied that's maybe the case but I am a happy jellyhead.
I feel like I could sleep and sleep. i wouldn't change this week. Not at all. It was a chance to peer closely at some things and see what has gone, diminished, and for louie to be with his dad. I'm not sorry we're separated -it's the best for all of us to flourish. It was never going to be conventional anyway. We need to be inventive and creative as far as getting together is concerned-perhaps in different places, on trips in towns and villages and occasionally in our respective homes. but the coming together for father and son will be quality time not a difficult day to day existence and Gary and I will continue our tricky relationship which has something significant at it's source.
I continue, as always
He could have stayed in a hotel-he didn't have to stay with us, in the home he used to live in until i wanted our marriage to end and for him to move out. But louie wanted his dad here and I didn't feel a need to object or stop that happening even though there was a certain amount of trepidation about what may arise what may come to pass in that week. So, i thought there is something in itself-I sort of don't want to do this so therefore it's a reason to do it.
There was a feeling that there was more of a point to this-a learning, a realisation , a need to revisit or face this man who had represented so much . I had deep seated guilt at spiltting up the family, as well as feeling unsure about how Gary may feel being in his old home with a lot of his old stuff around him, in a conventional family situation, albeit temporary-where it no longer really exists. A bit like a pop up shop-there today, gone tomorrow but with so much occuring in between. And how would it affect me? Who knows what's lurking there? Who knows what may appear? And louie-how may it affect him, would be feel happy being around both of us and how would he be when the time came for his Daddy to leave again when he'd been so looking forward to him coming? There was no feeling of is this right or wrong-I know it's neither-it's just what was going to happen and letting it. No control. Freefall and see where and how you land.
Well i've landed on my feet, quite softly-at times though, floating down and at others tumbling very quickly. I see, i think, what this was about. Though, perhaps as there is more distance -more dust will settle and it will be even clearer. It wasn't easy. It wasn't awful. It's difficult to listen to someone telling you how you are when you know it's not how you are. It's someone's idea of you-their own perception firmly held onto. At times I felt the need to explain myself, defend myself even or at least respond but I realised I wasn't being heard. It's still frustrating when someone refuses to hear you. i think that gary perhaps described someone that I was , how i used to be, what I thought I wanted, what I went after-certainly i recognised some of it. Someone who falls for people and puts them on a pedestal. Someone who feels for people and wants to be the one to ease their pain while at the same time being the important and indespensable one in that persons life. Yes, that would be true. It's no longer the case. And though old patterns die hard, they do eventually die. They have died and perhaps there are echoes and rumblings occasionally , burning intensely until fading into the nothing again. We know it takes time for the old machinery to cease whurring completely.
And so, as he vented his rage at being taunted in a bar about who i may have been with and told me that i was childishly looking for the one and that I am both selfish and patronising and not looking after myself emotionally and how badly i behaved during some of long our time together and and never loved him when we married and had our son, I felt waves of annoyance, amusement, sickness, disbelief, intolerance, frustration, impatience and then just listened and watched as it went on as it always had. And still I care for this man, I find him unusual and like no-one I've ever known. I do question his sanity sometimes because his ability to listen and make consistent eye contact and his ever changing moods swinging from soft to viscious, warm then cold, tender then mean are so fast firing that it can leave you reeling and confused. And i married him! I was wondering how I remained so long in such a mad world with him.
When he asked me why , my reason why we had to split up-I replied that he was consumed with all that was wrong in the world and I was in love with all that it is. And that's it really. And i fall more and more in love with it and there is no need to find the one-this is the one and I'm open to all that comes with that, I'm part of it. And if someone, one day appears to share this with, then perhaps i'll do that but there is no search on to find and be with anyone to the exclusion of all others and all things.
It's like this week was a junction or an intersection where the past, and the present stood together at one point, a bit like the cross. It was turbulent, emotive, difficult and yet not, necessary and part of everything. Like revisiting the past in the now and as we did, past lines, patterns, feelings, thoughts all appeared. There is love between us and we share louie. Beautiful, beautiful louie. Gary is an agitated person who tells me that i'm missing the point somewhere along the line. I asked him what he thought the point was. He tells me that I'm a jelly head and I replied that's maybe the case but I am a happy jellyhead.
I feel like I could sleep and sleep. i wouldn't change this week. Not at all. It was a chance to peer closely at some things and see what has gone, diminished, and for louie to be with his dad. I'm not sorry we're separated -it's the best for all of us to flourish. It was never going to be conventional anyway. We need to be inventive and creative as far as getting together is concerned-perhaps in different places, on trips in towns and villages and occasionally in our respective homes. but the coming together for father and son will be quality time not a difficult day to day existence and Gary and I will continue our tricky relationship which has something significant at it's source.
I continue, as always
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