the guilt has gone-evaporated. the experience of the past week showed me that there is no reason to have guilt. I did what i knew to be the best thing for all of us. there was a lot of pain-it caused a lot of pain but that pain isn't as it was a couple of years ago-there may still be some pain but it's not all associated with our splitting up as a family.
Gary told me how i was. and there is truth in that. but it is how i was-not how or who I am. Now it is seen, acknowledged, allowed, i think the pattern of behaviour will be weak, no more powerful or long lasting as an echo. For sure, i admire people, their qualities, their talents-i love them and let them know that and the time spent with others will have an intensity but no longer will i translate or interpret that as anything more than it is. Thank you gary-for pointing that out. It's very clear. there is no need to do that anymore. It is not who i am. I do express the feelings that i have towards others , i enjoy to do that-i feel that i want to share that-i suppose i have such enthusiasm when i come across, certain traits, talents, expressions of life and understanding-i love to love that in others and in things . I can't help but fall for it-and why should i not fall for it? that is personality -this personality.
Wednesday 26 January 2011
Monday 24 January 2011
Our lives-in a week
How do I write this-put it into words? I've questioned the reason, the point of spending a week, with Gary my estranged husband, in our flat. Of course, on the surface, practically speaking, factually speaking, he came to visit louie, our six year old son who he'd not seen for three months or more-so he needed to see him and louie needed to spend time with his dad.
He could have stayed in a hotel-he didn't have to stay with us, in the home he used to live in until i wanted our marriage to end and for him to move out. But louie wanted his dad here and I didn't feel a need to object or stop that happening even though there was a certain amount of trepidation about what may arise what may come to pass in that week. So, i thought there is something in itself-I sort of don't want to do this so therefore it's a reason to do it.
There was a feeling that there was more of a point to this-a learning, a realisation , a need to revisit or face this man who had represented so much . I had deep seated guilt at spiltting up the family, as well as feeling unsure about how Gary may feel being in his old home with a lot of his old stuff around him, in a conventional family situation, albeit temporary-where it no longer really exists. A bit like a pop up shop-there today, gone tomorrow but with so much occuring in between. And how would it affect me? Who knows what's lurking there? Who knows what may appear? And louie-how may it affect him, would be feel happy being around both of us and how would he be when the time came for his Daddy to leave again when he'd been so looking forward to him coming? There was no feeling of is this right or wrong-I know it's neither-it's just what was going to happen and letting it. No control. Freefall and see where and how you land.
Well i've landed on my feet, quite softly-at times though, floating down and at others tumbling very quickly. I see, i think, what this was about. Though, perhaps as there is more distance -more dust will settle and it will be even clearer. It wasn't easy. It wasn't awful. It's difficult to listen to someone telling you how you are when you know it's not how you are. It's someone's idea of you-their own perception firmly held onto. At times I felt the need to explain myself, defend myself even or at least respond but I realised I wasn't being heard. It's still frustrating when someone refuses to hear you. i think that gary perhaps described someone that I was , how i used to be, what I thought I wanted, what I went after-certainly i recognised some of it. Someone who falls for people and puts them on a pedestal. Someone who feels for people and wants to be the one to ease their pain while at the same time being the important and indespensable one in that persons life. Yes, that would be true. It's no longer the case. And though old patterns die hard, they do eventually die. They have died and perhaps there are echoes and rumblings occasionally , burning intensely until fading into the nothing again. We know it takes time for the old machinery to cease whurring completely.
And so, as he vented his rage at being taunted in a bar about who i may have been with and told me that i was childishly looking for the one and that I am both selfish and patronising and not looking after myself emotionally and how badly i behaved during some of long our time together and and never loved him when we married and had our son, I felt waves of annoyance, amusement, sickness, disbelief, intolerance, frustration, impatience and then just listened and watched as it went on as it always had. And still I care for this man, I find him unusual and like no-one I've ever known. I do question his sanity sometimes because his ability to listen and make consistent eye contact and his ever changing moods swinging from soft to viscious, warm then cold, tender then mean are so fast firing that it can leave you reeling and confused. And i married him! I was wondering how I remained so long in such a mad world with him.
When he asked me why , my reason why we had to split up-I replied that he was consumed with all that was wrong in the world and I was in love with all that it is. And that's it really. And i fall more and more in love with it and there is no need to find the one-this is the one and I'm open to all that comes with that, I'm part of it. And if someone, one day appears to share this with, then perhaps i'll do that but there is no search on to find and be with anyone to the exclusion of all others and all things.
It's like this week was a junction or an intersection where the past, and the present stood together at one point, a bit like the cross. It was turbulent, emotive, difficult and yet not, necessary and part of everything. Like revisiting the past in the now and as we did, past lines, patterns, feelings, thoughts all appeared. There is love between us and we share louie. Beautiful, beautiful louie. Gary is an agitated person who tells me that i'm missing the point somewhere along the line. I asked him what he thought the point was. He tells me that I'm a jelly head and I replied that's maybe the case but I am a happy jellyhead.
I feel like I could sleep and sleep. i wouldn't change this week. Not at all. It was a chance to peer closely at some things and see what has gone, diminished, and for louie to be with his dad. I'm not sorry we're separated -it's the best for all of us to flourish. It was never going to be conventional anyway. We need to be inventive and creative as far as getting together is concerned-perhaps in different places, on trips in towns and villages and occasionally in our respective homes. but the coming together for father and son will be quality time not a difficult day to day existence and Gary and I will continue our tricky relationship which has something significant at it's source.
I continue, as always
He could have stayed in a hotel-he didn't have to stay with us, in the home he used to live in until i wanted our marriage to end and for him to move out. But louie wanted his dad here and I didn't feel a need to object or stop that happening even though there was a certain amount of trepidation about what may arise what may come to pass in that week. So, i thought there is something in itself-I sort of don't want to do this so therefore it's a reason to do it.
There was a feeling that there was more of a point to this-a learning, a realisation , a need to revisit or face this man who had represented so much . I had deep seated guilt at spiltting up the family, as well as feeling unsure about how Gary may feel being in his old home with a lot of his old stuff around him, in a conventional family situation, albeit temporary-where it no longer really exists. A bit like a pop up shop-there today, gone tomorrow but with so much occuring in between. And how would it affect me? Who knows what's lurking there? Who knows what may appear? And louie-how may it affect him, would be feel happy being around both of us and how would he be when the time came for his Daddy to leave again when he'd been so looking forward to him coming? There was no feeling of is this right or wrong-I know it's neither-it's just what was going to happen and letting it. No control. Freefall and see where and how you land.
Well i've landed on my feet, quite softly-at times though, floating down and at others tumbling very quickly. I see, i think, what this was about. Though, perhaps as there is more distance -more dust will settle and it will be even clearer. It wasn't easy. It wasn't awful. It's difficult to listen to someone telling you how you are when you know it's not how you are. It's someone's idea of you-their own perception firmly held onto. At times I felt the need to explain myself, defend myself even or at least respond but I realised I wasn't being heard. It's still frustrating when someone refuses to hear you. i think that gary perhaps described someone that I was , how i used to be, what I thought I wanted, what I went after-certainly i recognised some of it. Someone who falls for people and puts them on a pedestal. Someone who feels for people and wants to be the one to ease their pain while at the same time being the important and indespensable one in that persons life. Yes, that would be true. It's no longer the case. And though old patterns die hard, they do eventually die. They have died and perhaps there are echoes and rumblings occasionally , burning intensely until fading into the nothing again. We know it takes time for the old machinery to cease whurring completely.
And so, as he vented his rage at being taunted in a bar about who i may have been with and told me that i was childishly looking for the one and that I am both selfish and patronising and not looking after myself emotionally and how badly i behaved during some of long our time together and and never loved him when we married and had our son, I felt waves of annoyance, amusement, sickness, disbelief, intolerance, frustration, impatience and then just listened and watched as it went on as it always had. And still I care for this man, I find him unusual and like no-one I've ever known. I do question his sanity sometimes because his ability to listen and make consistent eye contact and his ever changing moods swinging from soft to viscious, warm then cold, tender then mean are so fast firing that it can leave you reeling and confused. And i married him! I was wondering how I remained so long in such a mad world with him.
When he asked me why , my reason why we had to split up-I replied that he was consumed with all that was wrong in the world and I was in love with all that it is. And that's it really. And i fall more and more in love with it and there is no need to find the one-this is the one and I'm open to all that comes with that, I'm part of it. And if someone, one day appears to share this with, then perhaps i'll do that but there is no search on to find and be with anyone to the exclusion of all others and all things.
It's like this week was a junction or an intersection where the past, and the present stood together at one point, a bit like the cross. It was turbulent, emotive, difficult and yet not, necessary and part of everything. Like revisiting the past in the now and as we did, past lines, patterns, feelings, thoughts all appeared. There is love between us and we share louie. Beautiful, beautiful louie. Gary is an agitated person who tells me that i'm missing the point somewhere along the line. I asked him what he thought the point was. He tells me that I'm a jelly head and I replied that's maybe the case but I am a happy jellyhead.
I feel like I could sleep and sleep. i wouldn't change this week. Not at all. It was a chance to peer closely at some things and see what has gone, diminished, and for louie to be with his dad. I'm not sorry we're separated -it's the best for all of us to flourish. It was never going to be conventional anyway. We need to be inventive and creative as far as getting together is concerned-perhaps in different places, on trips in towns and villages and occasionally in our respective homes. but the coming together for father and son will be quality time not a difficult day to day existence and Gary and I will continue our tricky relationship which has something significant at it's source.
I continue, as always
Wednesday 14 October 2009
it's all about LOVE
I realised clearly last night that one can never know another completely and really it's not necessary. We want to in order to elevate our status and standing with another, our importance to another- but there is no need.The closest person to me, my son, who i carried in this body and held as he took his first breath and fed on milk from this body and nurture carefully, daily is still operating independently from me. He's not really 'mine'-no one is ever anybody's. The love between us is perhaps the strongest, most intensely felt-constantly flowing in both directions but there is so much about him i'll never know and don't need to know.
All in need to do is love him and that just happens, it's just there. In that love i'll see him, watch, sense, feel and enjoy the essence of him, know his nature-let our true nature communicate and dance freely. I say,'my boy' because he looks like me, he has my genes, he is of this body but I don't own him, there is no ownership. This I understand clearly. I am a parent, a mother and I see what that means.
He had a whole world going on last night in his room, when he was meant to be asleep, that was nothing to do with me. He changed his bed clothes to another set of clothes, changed his bedtime story on his CD player to something else, emptied his wardrobe, ransacked his room and set up little displays of toys. He didn't want to sleep, he was on a mission that only he could understand and I let him do it.
As I changed his clothes back and removed his crocs and put him back into bed at 10.45 when he had exhausted himself, I saw that all I can ever do completely is love him.
Tuesday 13 October 2009
Waking Up to Oneness and Celebrating Separateness
Yeah! Love him! The point of existence is clear -living, breathing life as art-art as life
Monday 12 October 2009
i like i love
I like unmani. She's no nonsense-direct,down to it-with humour and care. She's right, it can be lonely, it is nakedness, vulnerability, it requires courage, wilingness to stand in this, time and time again. The thoughts may keep coming, patterns of thought, groups of thought but they have less and less power, become more and more distant and they are meaningless-like puffs of smoke from a cigarette. I see the thoughts, watch them,but this is stronger, what this is, what i am is prevalent, primary, the thoughts come and go within.One man today at Unmani's Meeting in Not Knowing said he still wanted to hide and protect himself. I feel the opposite. I want to stand in the face of it and take whatever comes to get to naked truth. I like being hit hard by truth-it can be shattering, I want it to be shattering, going deeper and deeper into this. Now i know, i want to know more, i want be immersed in it completely. There's nothing to lose-no-one to lose it.
I like not knowing. I really like it-the pressure of having to know, feeling like you know or should know creates big problems-it is the problem. And the more people pretend to know, act like they know the more ludicous and removed they become-the more separated they are. This is a glorious, massive mystery. As a little person, it's impossible to compete with it, to hope to know and understand and conquer it. That creates misery.
I love the mystery. I'm in love with the mystery-i am the mystery along with all else...
Saturday 10 October 2009
STRIKE
standing in the face of truth, however harsh it may be, I die somemore and it feels good.there is nothing to hide from, nothing that needs protecting, -blow apart any remaining notion or hanging on of an identity or attachment to any part of the story. The things that keep dragging me back-look at them, face them, see them, meet them, then they fall away, dissolve into nothing, made of nothing. They have no substance.
this.here.right here.right now...there's only this
Friday 9 October 2009
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